Relationship problems


Primal therapy can be a valuable tool to help you resolve your relationship problems.


 To understand how primal therapy can be useful for relationship problems you must first know a little about why relationships problems occur and how you contribute to them.


Adapt or die.


Attachment to parents (or primary caregivers) is critical to your survival as a child. You'll do whatever it takes to survive, no matter how painful the situation may be.


The fear of being rejected or worse still, being abandoned is a primal fear for every human being. Historically being unwanted and left by your parents as a baby or infant meant certain death.


To be accepted by your parents or primary caregivers is nature's prime directive. It's biologically programmed to ensure attachment.


Adapting to your parent's needs in this way begins very early in life. You become what they want and need you to be.


Repression and suppression.


You begin by repressing and suppressing behaviours and the parts of yourself that mum and dad don't like or approve of (repression is unconscious: supression is more conscious). So at an unconscious level, you do what you can to make them happy and love you.


While you're busy attempting to meet their needs, they end up meeting very few of yours. Other than the basic survival necessities of food, shelter, clothing etc.


As an infant or child, you have limited means with which to regulate your feelings. You need your mother or primary caregiver to help you regulate your feelings. If she doesn't you then develop strategies and defences that will help you deal with the pain of unmet needs. You find your own childlike way to cope with the situation.


Over time these infantile relationship blueprints integrate into your personality. And although they remain hidden from your conscious awareness, they become a part of who you think you are.


You carry these infantile strategies into adulthood. They become the blueprints and the basis for how you interact and behave in all your adult relationships. Every single human being does this.


Outdated childhood blueprints.


Childhood survival strategies are great when you're little, but they are the reason you're miserable in your current or past relationships.


The very strategies that helped you survive childhood are now causing you problems in your adult relationships. Unfortunately, that's the only model you've got.


As most people are unaware of their unmet childhood needs, they are also unaware of how they go about getting these needs met in relationships. Nevertheless, some people might be lucky to be with someone who compliments their repression and vice versa.


For example, if you only got love and attention from your parents when you cared for their needs you might find yourself in relationships with people who need you to mother and care for them.


These relationships can work and will continue to survive as long as you both accept or tolerate the relationship dynamics (either consciously or unconsciously).


Problems start when one or both of you begin to blame the other for your unhappiness.


Separating past from present.


Working on your relationship problems and conflicts using primal therapy is not about controlling or fixing the other person. It's not about getting them to change, so you feel better or happier.


It's about you feeling the underlying pain that drives your infantile relationship strategies and unmet needs. By feeling and resolving your pain at this level, you separate the pain you're carrying from the past, from the situations in the present that are causing you pain.


That is crucial in a relationship. If you are not able to identify pain that comes from the past, you'll project it onto the present.


Projecting the past.


Projecting past on to the present means that you feel more acute annoyance or pain from the things your partner, spouse or lover does (or doesn't do) when it's similar to what mum or dad did or didn't do.


Because projection operates at the unconscious level, you'll forget that it occurred in childhood. You'll only see the supposedly 'wrong' person in the present. The current pain, though, causes you to feel the past unresolved pain and trauma. So it can feel unbearable.


By feeling the unresolved childhood pain and trauma, you become less dependent and codependent in relationships.


You'll be more willing to take risks with intimacy because you no longer fear the pain of rejection or abandonment. You'll know and understand at a deep level why you unconsciously project your mother or father (or both) on to people in your life. And you'll know what to do about it.


The role of healthy relationships.


The role of a healthy relationship is to help us complete the process of becoming an adult. But it's tough to build and maintain healthy, loving, committed relationships if you have unresolved problems from childhood.


Primal therapy can assist you to resolve the unmet childhood needs that cause relationship problems and difficulties. It frees you from the default behaviours that drives painful interactions with others.


You improve your relationship not only with others but also with yourself.

Interested in finding out if primal therapy can help you? Contact us today...

Safely lessen or eliminate painful emotions and feelings from your past.