Nobody likes to think that their relationship problems are related to the emotional pain they experienced as a little boy or girl.
But for those of you who accept all the blame in a relationship and believe you can change him or her if only you could just love them enough or in the right way, you might need to reconsider.
Your past directly affects your relationships.
If the relationships you end up in don’t quite meet your needs, but you stay in them because they'll never leave you or you can't bear the idea of being alone, you're showing symptoms of the unresolved pain from your past. That's childhood trauma.
The tell-tale signs of unresolved childhood pain and trauma that play out in your relationships (romantic or otherwise) are subtle.
Blaming yourself as in "there's something wrong with me" or blaming others by saying things like "their crazy, unstable or psychopathic" are just some of the subtle tell-tale signals.
From one fight to the next.
Ignoring or rationalising these repetitive thoughts and beliefs as true is what keeps you going from one troubled or destructive relationship to the next. Or from one fight to the next.
You're completely unaware that you're unconsciously recreating and reliving your childhood relationships with mum and dad.
Suffering in a relationship is not love. It’s the old familiar struggle to get kindness, caring and attention. The old familiar struggle to be accepted for who you are by a mother and father who could only show love if you conformed to their needs, wishes and desires.
That's is not love. It's a projection of need mediated by a duty on the parent's part.
Unconsciously attracting someone who’s like mum or dad.
Your personal history will dictate the type of romantic partner you choose, why you choose them and the kind of relationship you have with them.
That means your relationship problems are more about you,
Studies confirm that we choose our sexual and romantic partners based on resemblance to the colouring and facial traits of our opposite-sex parent.
This template also includes the characteristics we observed in our opposite-sex parent. Your model for romance might unknowingly be formed on a supportive, loving parent or a hostile, manipulative and abusive one.
But more importantly is how you attached to your mother as a baby, toddler and child. The attachment to mum predicts your style of loving: specifically whether you’ll behave in a secure, anxious or avoidant way in your relationships.
Adapt to survive.
So why is the attachment to mum so necessary? It's important because we must attach to our mother (or primary caretaker) to survive. It's part of our mammalian biological. It is instinctual and beyond our consciousness.
The attachment process requires that we modify our needs to a greater or lesser degree, to accommodate our parent’s needs and desires. A part of the process is the development of defences that protect us from feeling the full brunt of the emotional, mental and physical pain this causes.
Adapting to the environment in the way is a natural process, and every human and mammal does it.
However, many of us are still using the old programmes that help us survive childhood in our adult relationships. That's the trouble.
The survival strategies that help us survive as children are what cause the unhappiness in our adult relationships. Unfortunately, we’ll continue to operate from these old strategies unless we consciously and deliberately learn new and healthier way of relating.
Getting stuck in the present.
It's essential to understand that relationship struggles in your adult life are there for a reason. Your body wants to heal any unresolved childhood pain and to do this it recreates the dynamics of childhood in the present through mate selection.
But recreating these old relationship dynamics in the present, you end up defending and interacting in the old habitual ways. When the automated survival strategies kick in a change in the relationship is almost impossible as all you can do is survive the current situation.
You cannot learn anything new when you're under attack. You're busy defending against painful feelings from the past and present.
Get off the automated relationship loop.
In its incredible way, your body knows that it needs to relive certain aspects of childhood to heal. Your body will attempt to help you feel and express feelings in the present that you could not show as a child.
The problem is that this can become circular in that you become stuck in acting out the pain in your relationships but never connect to the deeper feelings that are driving your behaviours.
When you can process feelings at this level in primal therapy, you begin to separate the past from the present.
You get off the automated loop of childhood coping strategies and provides the opportunity to learn new ways of interacting in the present.
Interested in finding out if primal therapy can help you? Contact us today...
Safely lessen or eliminate painful emotions and feelings from your past.